Just one thing I desire in the new year
I have lived a tortuous life
And since I made till 30
I’ve finally found a glimpse of hope
My life has been plagued by various traumatizing experiences since “childhood”
No, I didn’t have any
Being left vulnerable as a child threw
me in the hands of the beasts
The beasts who abused me
The beasts who silenced me
The beasts who normalized danger
It was my fault
What was I looking for walking the
streets by myself?
But, wasn’t I just a child?
I have embodied this guilt all my life
I blamed myself for everything
For being abused
For my parent’s failed marriage
For being an “Olodo”
I live my life in perpetual fear
I carried this baggage of worthlessness everywhere I went
My life has been about self sacrificing
Being a doormat
Taking responsibility for what is not my “issh”
Jumping into battles not my own
Fixing everything/everyone around
As it is easier to look at the other; rather than the self
Plenty toxic friendships and one sided relationships Abi…why shouldn’t I thank my maker when crumbs is thrown my way? after all love is work…
Biko, Who needs a doormat?
They took everything from me
Gave me this rage that consumes
me day and night…Anger became my only fortress
Fight, flight or freeze
Hiding and avoidant
I wanted to end this suffering by keeping my inner child in a deep place inside, and staying as far away as possible. But, running away doesn’t end this suffering; it only prolongs it.
So much weight my soul is weary
25 years after, 2 days ago
I took a cathartic journey back in time
to where I grew up in Ibadan
I went by every freaking house I was abused
To pick up the bits of me I buried there.
To reclaim my life
To find the cure for this disease
I’ve had to live with it
The hardest part; to forgive
To forgive all you “mofos”
So I can finally stop clinging to everything
that abuses, torture and drains me
So I can finally stop running
away from healthy love
( as I always find it strange)
I am breaking away!!!
Now I know I deserve better than a sick life
I am worthy
It was never my fault
And I am lovable ?
Hey, Adéọlá, I am so so sorry.
I am coming back home to you.
It’s closure time
Written: 30th December 2017